Is dissolving the solution?

I was just wondering what happens when we fall for someone? Do we go to any lengths to love them, to be loved by them or to be accepted by his/her people? Do we change ourselves ? More importantly do we realize that we are changing ourselves? Are we still "US"?

Enough with the questions, my own experience tells me, 

YES! OF COURSE WE CHANGE OURSELVES!

The only thing which determines the color of the flags for this change is whether we change our core values to fit in, to please, to be reciprocated to. I have been on sides, where I changed myself, to fit in, to be accepted, to be respected - killing parts of me which were precious.  I would love for us to decode our change... step by step.... 

We are who we are because of our choices, our perspective, our strengths, our weakness, a lot more is to do with our background and upbringing and of course the crap load of past trauma! With that backdrop, our first choice is choosing someone- that reflects our core values, what are our priorities at the moment, many a times our choices are subconsciously determined by trends, societal pressures, peer pressures, bollywood/hollywood/social media and sometimes a tiny little voice, which feels safe in their presence. I would for sure say that another thing we do indirectly while choosing someone we like is to look for either our dad/ our mom (depending on who we are)(Thanks Sigisimund Freud)!

The next step or series of steps depend on our self esteem, our emotional needs and imaginations. A lot of the love explained, planted by movies and fictional romantic novels (never forget to blame the K dramas) are just so different from reality. We want to shower and receive undivided attention, affection and time! This blissful period will probably pass in an eye blink time and well... now we get on to the tough parts.

We have to deal with each other's shadows, but wait, I am sure we all don't even deal with our own shadows first! Shadow is all that we reject about ourselves, all that we don't like, isn't correct according to us and we completely deny. Well, the first fight, first major fight, first pseudobreakup and a lot of blocking and unblocking on social media! In a way relationships tend to be more like roller coasters, cause they tend to be more honest, more bilateral and definitely belong more to the couple than the families. 

But marriages are where the dissolving really takes place. I can only talk about my incomplete perspective as a woman, a dedicated person who in her mind was super righteous, chose to completely forget who she was to be who she imagined " who she was meant to be". But its not just for her husband, but also her new parents, new siblings, older parents and siblings (with new expectations), for the random people who judge her happiness by the degree of bling in her clothes and makeup, for random people at work who now see her as lesser and also for her new imagined life. In this new imagined life, in her mind she might make the two choices exclusive of one another- being herself and being good for all! 

One thing I learnt the hard way was, the minute we lose ourselves, we lose the very foundation on which we built our lives, and nothing will resonate with us any longer. We must adapt, adjust lovingly and passionately, but we must never forget who our allegiance is really to. It's us before anyone else. Our dreams may change temporarily, but we must dig the ones that we buried when we hear our own tiny squeeky voice. 

Before we expect a supportive partner we must be supportive for ourselves, we must break the imaginations and restrictions in our own heads. If nothing more, its our duty to be ourselves, we are a unique version of a disco ball and the light we shine into the dance room brings its own groove and mood! So before you scroll for tarot readings for your future, predictions for your ideal partner or traits to have in your man, find and cultivate those in your ownselves first. Make space and boundaries for your ownself ,  give yourself the means and ends to grow, to fulfill your dreams and desires.

Living an unfulfilled life is an act of disrespect to life itself.

Mix up with people in a way that - salt, sugar, and lemon mix with water- only to retain your flavor, bring a refreshing vibe and nourish everyone around on a hot day!

DISSOLVE and RELEASE YOUR FLAVOR AS YOU!


These flowers are so beautiful, calm, and serene, yet they belong to the poisonous plant of Dhatura. We may think who would like such a plant? But in hindu mythology, Lord Shiva loves the flowers and fruits of this poisonous omnipresent plant which people prefer to uproot and call it a weed. But on any auspicious day related to Lord Shiva, everyone is running frantically to look for them! Be you!

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