Loss-Life Lesson

 Loss-Is it actually giving something up or is it getting some clarity?

I have experienced rejections in my life and this write-up is coming from a dark space of my life. However, the insight it offered me isn't all dark. Coming from a different family background, I always was looking for something more than friendship - something deeper and more meaningful and long-term with all of my girlfriends. However, I received my first rejection at the end of school, where a friend I valued deeply, decided to walk away so she could make new and better friends in college. She did not want to remain in touch with me.  Well, I couldn't quite recover, I think up until now. Over time I was rejected by multiple of my friends - citing family reasons, and personal reasons and it got me really wondering.

I now understand the disproportionate expectation of love I may have indicated or suggested to them by my behavior. They probably feel burdened and exhausted in my presence. My genuine affection and care were misunderstood, refused, and rejected.

I have realized that friends and family are different. They are not interchangeable. Some voids cannot be filled externally.

I do understand and have done that myself, where due to my internal turmoil and conflict, I have been rude and unaffectionate to people who loved me or I loved. But if it is getting repeated, I must learn my lesson and embrace and create boundaries.

Somewhere in all these actions of rejection, I sense some kindness, a lot of pity, and sympathy towards me. But I must work hard on creating new and rigid boundaries where we all must feel comfortable. If my asking about someone's day and well-being is considered intrusive, I must refrain and understand the spot given to me in their lives.  Also, it does make me wonder if I must continue to remain in touch or if after all I felt, should I continue? If my love and affection are meaningless, then I am surely offering it at the wrong time or to the wrong people.

A very deep question arises - Do these strong emotions occur due to an underlying strong fear? What is that fear?

 A fear of abandonment, a fear of dying alone has resurfaced and boggled my mind and heart. 

We have to come to terms with the truths about being alone in life and dying alone. No one can walk with me my entire life. If there is any illusion, I must get rid of it.

I must walk this road on my own and make myself self-sufficient in all manners possible- emotional self-sufficiency is the key.

It's nothing to be worried or sad about, it's an exceptionally beautiful thing. 

To be whole on your own!





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