Others...
Others include everyone other than the self.
This difference between the self and others plays an extremely important role in our lives, we derive the purpose for our lives by weaving a life around these "significant and closer" others. But do we only give? Of course not, on the contrary, we usually need something from these others to choose them over the "distant others". We need like-mindedness, a sense of approval, validation, and belonging before we can actually connect to someone. So, all our relationships are quite conditional no matter how good we may think about ourselves. In our own heads, we are all righteous, trying to do the right thing, trying to make it right, and trying to undo the wrong done by others. This creates the premise for a background moral conflict always.
We encounter these others in our family- at home, our first experience of this world. If acceptance and free will are encouraged at home, we get a liberal individual who is accommodating and not judgemental. However, this is seldom the case. A home is usually a place with strict rules and regulations, which I feel are pretty useful to engrain discipline but it create poor mental freedom. Most of our parents give us immense love, safety, and strength, however, they too expect something in return. It is conditional in a very benign way. The conditions are not evident until adulthood.
Next, we step out into school, our teachers who guide us and encourage us to be virtuous and disciplined. That relationship is also however conditional, excellent grades, accolades, and prizes often get you praise and attention from your teacher. This is a positive reward that makes us want to repeat the steps that got us this dopamine hit. So we find ourselves chasing a carrot in the form of grades, prizes, and attention. People of similar age and our co-students soon become acquaintances, enemies, or friends. Again, it is about popularity, proximity, personality, and belonging which is the condition.
This structure then repeats itself in the form of high school, college, university, and doctoral or post-doctoral research, only worse, tougher, and, ruthless.
A new kind of condition is placed over us in our workplace, where we are expected to work a lot more than our pay grade and handle roles and responsibilities beyond our job profile (and money!). So the condition to make you irreplaceable at your workplace is to work extremely hard, give up on personal time, and, blur the work-life boundaries.
We move on to "the" most important relationships of our lives where we love someone, however, love is also rewarded secretly and silently where blind submission, blind trust, unquestioning allegiance, and slave-like behavior are greatly appreciated. It buys the approval we all need. We are also asked non-verbally to physically be attractive, mentally always available and supportive, and give up on our dreams and passions.
Compliant, submissive, and pleasing behavior is greatly rewarded in this world.
So, this kind of behavior which has been fixated in our psychology, also starts creeping into self and we treat ourselves- our thoughts, our actions, and our dreams and desires in the perspective of a reward. We forget the real reason why we would enjoy an activity. We must compare the outcome rewards for our actions and desires, with pleasure derived from painting, swimming, dancing, or singing to name the least as a benchmark.
We usually ENJOY these activities for the sake of the activities themselves, no validation is usually sought. If it is sought with any of these activities, the free flow of joy is hampered almost instantly.
We must keep some of our own hobbies and dreams free from this corruption by others to rejuvenate our minds and souls. I do not shun relationships, but with this perspective, I do wish to create less reward and more free joy, something that isn't a hidden reward.
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