Exile in your own home

 Are you feeling estranged from your own home, from your own people, or from your own work?

I have recently experienced, quite strongly, a new feeling of homelessness in the very premise of my home, in the very presence of my own gang, and at my very own workplace. It is a feeling of not being understood, not belonging or I would rather say a lack of being myself. That made me question what home really meant... I always thought home is a place where I could be myself and could do whatever I wanted, however, it is not that simple. A number of our wishes are not accepted, validated, or endorsed by our society. I like quiet mornings, however I observe some pressure to be religious and loud in the mornings. I would love to cook something unique for breakfast, but then I share my grocery and fridge with others who keep track and don't like to eat the same. The way I dress, the routine I would like to follow, and even the activities I would like to do in my leisure time are influenced by the people around me. The work needs to be done with a certain level of dedication, honesty, and sincerity, but these things can not be inculcated in anyone who lacks will. Micromanagement kills autonomous thinking, kills opportunities for growth and better team coordination and ground-level improvements. It also wastes the knowledge and expertise of individual team members. A sense of purpose comes from our roles- how significant our roles are in our homes, workplaces, or relationships.

This estranged feeling is full of hurt and hopelessness, as it means I expect no one to understand or help me out of this situation. Freedom would mean lack of interference, lack of instructions and lack of judgement. Home is a space where our cortisol is lowest, a place where we feel we can finally relax, where we can speak our mind and do what our heart tells us.

Can we actually find such a place? Is such an isolated space needed physically or can we create it mentally wherever we are from time to time?

As I write this blog, I find some answers.

I am able to jot down my thoughts, in the exact same exile of which I talk so sadly about.  It is paradoxical and ironical but it is a fact.

SO the feeling of exile needs to be acknowledged and understood, to understand our state of mind and emotions better. That feeling of exile in your very home is the lack of connection that you feel. I did experience a lot of friends walking out on me metaphorically like their absence made me feel terrible and my anger grew. They moved on, I was stuck waiting for them to come back while one of them is trying to return, but the return is much more painful than the exit. 
Disconnection from our purposes of life can change the way we perceive this world, the immediate world, and the place we call home. Lack of personal reasons leads to a definite loss of motivation to do anything, which leads to anhedonia. We have the right to dream of a life we want, cherish, and love. There are endless of number of things to be grateful for, but with self honesty we can actually figure out what is it that we miss exactly.

I sense a strong need for conformity, where we ape and agree with each others' behaviors, sometimes(most of the times) justifying some behaviors due to the seniority of the followers and sometimes due to the ancestral value of the same. I don't wish to conform, I wish to find my own reasons to do whatever I do, I want to understand my feelings and intuition which have been the best guides. I strongly believe that whenever I have let go of toxic people, my life has lightened, brightened, and moved to a point, where I could be a more true version of myself, where I don't hurt people, or walk over them or use them for my convenience.

This feeling of estrangement is the manifestation of me outgrowing my present situation and demanding change, a change which brings me peace, which creates a sense of calm and a sense of excitement at the same time giving my life the direction which aligns with me.

This feeling of exile in my home, is an alarm ringing and waking me up from my autopilot- a need for change. No matter how scary, how hard but definitely meaningful.

It takes courage to make room for yourself, with love and not with hate or resentment. Courage is needed to bloom.




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